Harry's Emotional Turmoil
by PurePeace
Summary: Reaction-piece to Draco and Narcissa's most recent letters to Harry. If you haven't read Always & Forever start there!
1. Chapter 7b

**Attention: If you haven't read Always & Forever this probably won't make sense!**  
>I recommend if you're interested you start by reading that. Always &amp; Forever is an epistolary fic, written by myself (catrites) and Lexi (Leximaven) here, as PurePeace. This oneshot, and another on our page (A Look into the Mind of Draco Malfoy) are reaction-pieces to letters that Harry and Draco have recieved. These reactions will make more sense if you read the letters themselves!<p>

On that note: I don't own them! They belong to JK Rowling and Warner Bro's, and the owl is Phil, who belongs to PhiloctetestheOwl, my sister, who graciously allows me to write about him! :P

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><p>Harry looked up from his breakfast as an owl swooped in, and grinned when he recognized the regal eagle owl. He was beginning to look forward to the sporadic letters from the Malfoys, as strange as that may sound.<p>

The owl settled itself on the table next to Harry's plate, patiently waiting for Harry to take the letters before helping itself to the remains of Harry's toast. The first time Harry had offered the owl toast he had been given a very sceptically confused look before the bird had taken the toast. Now, on its fourth trip here the creature was obviously starting to feel comfortable eating Harry's food.

As Harry walked into his living room, he turned the letters over in his hand. Generally he read Draco's letter first, but today...

He had never told _anyone_ what he had told Narcissa in the last letter. His hands were shaking as he fingered the envelope, both eager to see her reply, and terrified of her reaction. Taking a deep breath he opened the envelope and pulled out the neatly folded paper, only to set it aside quickly.

Harry had been anxiously awaiting Narcissa's response for days, but now that it was here he was afraid to open it. It was the first real test.

He picked up Draco's letter, hoping to distract himself before reading Narcissa's.

"_my mother is basically all I have. I don't react well to people undermining that."_

Harry let out a noise of frustration and picked up Narcissa's letter again. "Your mother is basically all I have, too, at the moment..."

He couldn't wait any longer, he had to know what Narcissa had said. Harry took a deep breath, steeling himself as he unfolded the letter and began to read...and almost dropped the paper in his surprise.

"_I am so proud of you for having the courage to tell me this."_

"_Rest assured, my dear, I love you all the same."_

"_You have nothing to fear."_

Tears streamed down his face unnoticed as Harry skimmed over her comments about Ginny and the details about meeting for tea without taking in the details. His tears continued to flow as he read her sign off.

"_I am proud of you, dear."_

"_With all a mother's love."_

Harry let out a sob and pulled his feet up into his arm chair, curling around himself as he struggled to regain control. He felt a tense ball uncoil in his chest as he realized that not only had she accepted his sexuality, she had continued to affirm her love for him, and her support for him. He sobbed harder, losing all remains of his composure and hugging the letter to his chest.

When his sobs began to die down Harry wiped off his face and attempted to smooth out the wrinkles he had made in the letter, but he didn't move from his position in the chair as he reread the letter.

As he finished reading it for a second time, he held the letter to his chest again and laid his head back against his chair. Up until reading Narcissa's reply Harry hadn't realized how much he had actually invested in telling her. He had been nervous and, well, completely terrified to tell her, but it was so much more than that. If Narcissa, who claimed to see him as a second son, hadn't been able to accept him for who he was, then how could he have expected anything more from anyone else?

Harry ran a hand over the smooth, fine quality parchment as he set Narcissa's letter aside and picked up Draco's again. He took a breath to calm himself, began to read, and almost immediately remembered how much personal information he had shared with Draco in his last letter as well.

Harry groaned and his head thumped back on the couch. What was it with these people that made him open up to them so easily? He hadn't _ever _trusted Malfoy before, yet in his last letter he had found himself telling him about that night in the forest—something he hadn't even shared with Hermione and Ron, who knew him better than anyone else.

Harry continued reading, and couldn't help but laugh when he found his thoughts echoed by Malfoy,_"__Yet still you tell me, your once enemy - the man who should mean less than nothing to you?"_

"I have no idea. Don't ask me why," Harry muttered to the paper.

"_But you're right, there is…__something_."

"Is there?" Harry asked the paper rhetorically. "Glad it's not just me losing my mind, then."

"_Has anyone ever told you that you trust too quickly?"_

"No, actually. Hermione tells me I should be more willing to trust people," Harry rolled his eyes at himself. "'Course it would be _you _that I irrationally trust."

He continued reading, unsurprised by the responses in the next few paragraphs, until he reached a question about what he had thought to be an innocent statement.

"_Or do you simply seek to keep me from the path my father took, humbling himself to a madman?"_

Harry blanched. He actually _had _meant the sentence as a compliment, he hadn't even thought of the interpretation Malfoy gave him. Obviously he'd need to watch his wordings...

Harry found himself smiling as he read Malfoy's next paragraph, and he couldn't help but raise his eyebrows in surprise as he realized Malfoy had read a Muggle book, _Alice in Wonderland, _one of his personal favourites, no less. He actually laughed out loud at Malfoy's reference to Buckbeak, and continued to laugh until tears were once again streaming down his cheeks as he read on,

"_purebloods don't date, we __court__. Or we tumble around in the sheets."_

He found his smile slowly fading as he reached the more serious topic of Malfoy's sexuality. Harry was still a bit surprised at himself for asking at all, but his curiosity had been aroused when Malfoy talked about Blaise expressing interest.

"_I do actually prefer men. Well not so much 'prefer' – they're not a preference, they are a requirement."_

Harry stared at the line for a moment, his heart racing. How could he have missed that in all the years he had known Malfoy? Granted, he hadn't even known his _own _sexuality, but he had always thought he knew Malfoy better than the back of his own hand. He knew exactly what to say to pick a fight, he knew what Malfoy cared about most in the world, he even knew the kind of jam he preferred on his morning toast, but he had missed something as large as this?

Narcissa's easy acceptance was easily understood now. Her own son was gay and she didn't love him any less. She still faced death for him. Somehow, it was reassuring.

Harry skipped over Malfoy's teasing words at the end of the paragraph, he wasn't quite ready to face them, and although they were meant in fun, he was a little afraid to think about them too deeply.

"_In all honesty, do __you __even know who you are? The person you make __yourself out to be– is he really you?"_

Harry's heart rate quickened as he read Malfoy's words. How had he managed to figure that out? Even Ron and Hermione didn't know that he didn't have a clue who he, Harry Potter, actually was outside the stereotypes—they bought his act, just like the rest of the world. Except Malfoy.

Harry read on, skimming over the more heavy issues—he wasn't in the mood to handle politics—until he got to the next shocking sentence...

"_...__perhaps in this scenario I can take you from behind… Oh Merlin. I didn't mean it like __that__, Potter, get your mind out of the gutter."_

Harry actually couldn't hold back his snort and the grin that slid across his face. It was blatantly obvious where Malfoy's mind was...Harry probably wouldn't have even thought of the connotation without Malfoy's comment.

And then he made it to Malfoy's sign off, and Harry felt his heart stall.

"_Wondering how long 'always and forever' lasts,"_

What on earth did that even mean?

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><p>So...what'd you guys think? Reviews, please?<p> 


	2. Chapter 11b

__**Disclaimer: **These boys don't belong to me, they belong to J.K.R., of course! I just play.

**A/N: **So again, this is a side-chapter to the story Lexi & I are writing, _Always & Forever_. This is Harry's reaction to chapter 11, Draco's most recent letter to Harry, so I recommend you read that first! Much love to everyone who's stuck with us, we love you guys!

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><p><em>Harry,<em>

_I don't understand what you want from me. You say you don't know what you would do without my friendship (alright, Mr Publicity, I'll admit it), but sometimes you say things that make me think— And then there was the interview. I'm not sure you even realise how much you reveal sometimes. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into things?_

"Shit. Shitshitshit," was all that ran through Harry's mind as he started reading Draco's letter. What the hell had he been thinking during that interview? What was _wrong _with him? Why on earth could he not control his brain-to-mouth filter? It wasn't like he was even sure that he _liked_ Draco. Well, yeah, he liked Draco...but his interview had implied so much more than a friendship, and he knew it. He was actually getting along with the man for once, what had possessed him to screw this up?

Harry quickly scratched out a reply to Draco's opening paragraph on a blank sheet of parchment.

_Draco,_

_Yepp, you're definitely reading too much into things. There's no way the interview meant what you think it meant. Absolutely not. Nope. Unless you just thought it meant friendship, in which case you're totally right. Definitely. Friendship is a yes. _

Harry sighed and put down his quill. Well that wasn't incriminating in the slightest. He looked as though he was guilty and hastily trying to correct assumptions. Which, of course, he _was_, but there had to be a better way to do that. Harry turned back to the letter.

_You never had quite the same easy finesse in our conversations at school._

Harry almost snorted. Well of course not. In school he had generally only spoken to Draco when necessity dictated that he had to, or when he was so furious he could barely string a sentence together. Much less one with 'finesse'.

_I know they're your friends, and I'm sorry, but that is not fucking okay Harry._

Harry couldn't help but feel warmed by Draco's indignant rant against Ron's reaction. It was nice to find he had someone on his side. Unexpected, but nice. Draco's comments about losing Ron's friendship were ones Harry couldn't make himself agree with, but the utter indignation on Harry's behalf still made him feel good.

As Harry read through the rest of the letter, his thoughts remained on those first few paragraphs. How was he supposed to fix this? If he denied the implications he looked guilty. If he ignored them, he looked guilty as well, but if he confirmed them...well, that would be the end of his friendship with Draco, and, well, Harry couldn't live with that. Not now. So that meant either denying or ignoring, no matter how guilty it made him look. At least then any suspicions would still be just that...suspicions.

And anyways, there was nothing to confirm. He was definitely not 'in like' with Draco. He definitely just wanted him as a friend. That was it. No harm in that.

His stomach suddenly dropped as he remembered the warmth he felt at Draco's anger towards Ron, and Harry felt himself go cold.

"I am so screwed," he moaned, and he dropped his head to the table in front of him.


	3. Chapter 13b

**A/N:** Hello, my darling readers! This is Harry's reaction to Draco's most recent letter, so if you haven't read that one in _Always and Forever_ go find that letter and read it first!

UNLESS YOU ARE LEXI. IN THAT CASE, GET OUT OF HERE, YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO READ THIS **YET**!

Ahem. Enjoy!

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><p>As Draco's owl swooped in Harry felt the butterflies that had recently taken up residence in his stomach take flight. Getting Draco's letter was rapidly becoming the best part of his day.<p>

As the owl helped himself to Harry's breakfast – he was becoming quite comfortable with that now, and Harry had no qualms in teaching Draco's bird bad habits – Harry relieved him of his letter and took it to the living room.

It wasn't until Harry had started reading that he even remembered the _Daily Prophet_ article. Shit.

"_you are usually far too cheery in admitting to ridiculous sentimentality; this reluctance for discussion is rather unusual. Shall I take it to mean that you were merely swept away in the moment of revelation and said more than you meant?"_

Shit again. Harry put the letter down and rubbed a hand through his hair. How could he answer that without scaring Draco off? At what point would Draco realize just how deeply Harry was beginning to feel for him, and when that happened, would that be the end of their friendship? Harry felt as though he was going to be sick.

What was he supposed to say now?

Harry stared at the paper in front of him without taking a word in for a few moments before shaking himself and moving on. Unfortunately, the next paragraph didn't make Harry feel any better. Draco had completely avoided Harry's tentative invitation to meet face to face, as obscure as it was, he had been sure Draco would understand it. Instead, he got a vague piece of advice.

He sighed and moved on.

"_When I said someone else gets under my skin I meant__you__, you __idiot__. OBVIOUSLY. Do you see anyone else charming me into revealing private thoughts and feelings?"_

Harry felt his heart jump. He was 'charming' Draco? Was that a good thing? Did he want to charm Draco? Who was he kidding. It was pretty obvious by now. He definitely wanted to charm Draco Malfoy. He had to be honest with himself...he was 'in like' at the very least with his former school rival.

As Harry moved onto the paragraph about Ron, he stumbled to a stop again. He was still pretty torn up about Ron's abandonment. He had to hope that his best friend would get over not realizing Harry was gay and apologize, but even so...Ron had swung at him – he had intended to hit Harry. How did a friendship recover from that?

Hermione, though, seemed to have decided that it was up to her to make up for Ron. She was throwing herself into Harry's life with more enthusiasm than she had even shown in Hogwarts if her letter to Draco was any indication.  
>Draco's odd attempt at an insult was quite entertaining, at least. Pheasant scratchings?<p>

The next few paragraphs also made Harry smile, and he felt his heart stop at, "_A man can dream."_ But his smile soon faded as he moved on to the next, more serious paragraph.

"_In this case your opinion is of no consequence."_

Harry knew, logically, that Draco was right – really, Harry had no business butting into Draco's personal life, or offering his opinions where they were unasked for – but since they'd started these letters he'd been completely candid with Draco about everything. Somehow, he had forgotten who exactly was behind the letters – who it was, really, who he was speaking to. Maybe, after all, he wasn't 'in like' with Draco at all. Maybe he was more 'in like' with an idea of who he thought Draco might be, rather than the person himself. After all, he'd never gotten on with Draco in school...maybe friendship was the limit of their relationship after all.

As Harry read on, he felt as though Draco were confirming this.

"_If I were to offer up as much of myself in a__serious__relationship as I have in this one, it would be impossible to walk away from."_

Of course this relationship – friendship – didn't count as a serious relationship. This was just barely a friendship, wasn't it? Harry finished the letter in a dark mood, and he scowled at the paper as he set it down. Where was he supposed to go from here?

Draco's owl hooted softly to let Harry know he had finished his breakfast, and Harry wandered over to let him out. As Harry collapsed back into his armchair he let out a sigh. It would take a while to figure out how to compose a reply to this letter.


End file.
